I Still Write Pretentious Reviews: Chips

OK, I understand being enchanted by the allures of a foreign country and proclaiming how “country X has better item Y than the United States!” It’s really exciting to see and experience a different culture’s take on stuff, especially for the first time. This explains why so many Americans at Sussex procalim Topman the best thing under the sun though it’s basically the GAP, and how amazing Sainsburys is though it’s just a typical grocery store.

But, honestly American kids in England, you can’t possibly find the taste of “chips” better than the American versions (the “fry”). At first glance, the chip looks pretty similar to the fry, a little thicker but nothing too drastic. You could almost be forgiven for thinking the British version of this potato treat isn’t different from it’s American spud counterpart.

Almost.

Touch the chips, and everything becomes clear. British chips aren’t firm and tough like the fry, but rather soggy and squishy. Throw some chips into your mouth and bite down – what do you get? Well, you certainly don’t get any wonderful crunchiness, like in the good ol’ U.S.A. You get what amounts to wrapping mashed potatos in very wet potato skin.

But every time Americans go out for a night on the town and the urge for food kicks in after one-too-many pints, everyones clamoring for “chips.”

Even the British recognize how uninteresting chips are. I have yet to witness a British person eating chips without first dousing them in vinegar. Like, drown the poor potatos in vinegar. Sometimes, it looks like they are just eating handfuls of lumpy vinegar. The last time I used vinegar was to dye Easter eggs with fifth graders. I’m not coating my “chips” in something that turns eggs blue.

No doubt in my mind, chips are the most overrated part of the British experience. They are poorly done, too small potato wedges. The British practically drink vinegar to get them down. Sure, any food at 3 a.m. sounds delicious, but why settle for this lame vegetable when Pizza King, home to the equally-stupid-but-probably-tastes-better apple and bannana pizza, waits only five steps away. Plus, you get a free pizza with every order!

You know what’s underrated? British bacon. Though still completely different than the U.S. version (not crispy at all, comes in a much larger serving instead of small pieces), the English know how to use it. I love the breakfast sandwiches here, because they are just slabs of bacon between various types of bread. Bacon baguettes. Bacon bagels. Bacon “crumpets” (English muffins). And they are all delicious. And you don’t need to slop anything on it to make it better.

But chips? Forget chips, they make Burger King fries taste like Wolfgang Puck prepared them.